That Time I Got Divorced, in an MMO
Once upon a time I got married in an MMORPG. These are huge multiplayer games, but this was a time when hot cyber sex was limited to cam-to-cam (c2c, bb?) and Logitec speakers over some MSN or AOL chat room. You see, these kids, they’ve got it good now.
I can’t speak for you, but I don’t really miss trying to mask the screeching sound of dial-up with thick blankets and closed doors or running water. Which is why this won’t be a story that paints the past with the feels in full color. Like thinking of daytime cartoons while double-fisting those Capri Suns at 3 o’clock after school.
Nah, this will be more like me telling a bunch of people about that time I did something that other people do, but don’t talk about. Anyway.
I like video games. I grew up and now I make them, but for adults. You see, because adults like escapism as much as kids do. We just have less time for it. We also now have a better idea of what we want, but also not really, right?
I played Endless Online which makes me cringe now. Not because of the marriage, oh no, but because half the hours I spent on that were supposed to be allocated toward playing middle school football.
At the same time this meant that I had gotten my online gaming fix before starting high school so I was over the whole MMO deal by the time the better games in the genre came out.
Well, I was really, really rich in Endless Online (hereafter referred to as EO). I ran a guild — which is what the rich kids did in that game — with a whole bunch of members. It was going good! I had stayed up plenty of nights getting all these rare items with a friend (a real human I went to school with) who then suggested that I see if I could find someone to marry since he had already done so.
I was wary and already running my own game at the time which allowed me some early insight into general user behavior. So basically, I knew without a doubt that a lot of guys typically signed up to play as women in these types of games. Which I have heard justified plenty, but we won’t get into that. He pressed the idea and I eventually caved and gave it a shot.
First thing was first, find a real girl in EO. So I began with my “circle” where I knew some people who were pretty cool. And a better story would be that I met a female character who was actually a girl and we got married irl (in-real-life, for the folks in the back) or something. That didn’t happen.
But I did marry an NPC, which was not allowed. And if you don’t know what an NPC stands for that’s a Non-Playable Character. I’m thinking, better safe than sorry right?
As a computer nerd, I liked finding loopholes. And the game was pretty easy to manipulate, which is why so many people did hack the game. Which, ultimately led to its death. But that’s a story for another time.
Long story short we never did get to have a proper ceremony. But it was funny as hell walking around with “Peasant Woman” as my partner.
After a while of course the next version came out and my glitch was patched to oblivion. My wife disappeared, but before I could become a proper widower I was left with a note from the server.
Something about being banned.
The following week I went to the bank in-game, took out all of my coins and gave most of it to my friends. After that I dropped gold in 10k increments, 30 times, all over the main town until I was flat broke. I sold my tuxedo for a top-hat and signed off forever. The moral of the story is, don’t marry anything that isn’t human unless it’s a goat.
